I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
