i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
