Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
