Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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