The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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