Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
