i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
