Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
