i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
