at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
