I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
