Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
