Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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