I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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