I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
