Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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