I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
