The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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