mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
