dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
