i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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