And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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