while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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