I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
