i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
