I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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