i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
