Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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