I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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