I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
