I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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