can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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