sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
