i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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