Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
