My friends, they love my intelligence
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
