it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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