It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Randomize
