I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Randomize
