I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
