the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
