two words...techno handjob
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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