Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
