I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
They have beer where we have blood.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize