I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
