I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
