just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
