Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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