just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
