new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
