but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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